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My main hobby is beating old ladies over the head with sticks and cudgels fashioned from pieces of two by four filched from a nearby timber merchants. I also enjoy dressing up in Shirley Bassey outfits and firebombing the local Burger King outlets.

I was occasional lecturer in the job seekers allowance chair of applied football hooliganism at the university of Scunthorpe between 1998 and 2003, have written and edited various pieces and academic publications with soccer themes, including:

*‘The pouf between the posts: an erotic memoir of the Vauxhall Conference’ by Tarquin Sandwichbottom
*‘They minced at Molineux’ – an analysis of the strategy and tactics of the great ‘wandering woofters’ side at Wolverhampton in the interwar years.
*‘[****], shave or haircut? Existential choices facing the gay centre forward’ translated from the original Serbo Croat by Iripta Bollokov and Slobodan Buggerov.
*‘The riddle of the perjured jockstrap’ and other short stories, serialised as ‘What a bloody shower’ and ‘ The cod piece in the locker room’ in the journal of income sport addictions and comparative marijuana consumption.
*‘You’re either fast or you’re food’ , an overview of the effects of dietary innovations on footballer’s performance, with special reference to the dinner ladies at Swindon town FC and the infamous ‘we have no banana custard today’ episode before the FA cup replay with Bishops Stortford in 1979.
*‘Do you know how much those shin pads cost me?’, a fiduciary history of Tottenham Hotspurs in the nineteen sixties.

I live in a bedsit near the Botanical gardens where I wee in the sink at night and have a pet spider called Boris. The next door neighbour is a right old bag. My favourite food is saucisson de squirrel in pear sauce with egg plant and pimento side salad and I would rather drink tea brewed from the gussets of incontinent OAP’s underwear than see Chelsea win the premiership again. Don’t half fancy that Arsene Wenger bloke though. I attended the magistrates last week as I was alleged to have breached my ASBO and am still awaiting confirmation of my application for the post of PE teacher at the local all girls academy. It takes guts as far as I am concerned to leap from the bushes of a cold November night dressed in nothing but a leotard as the staff nurses are clocking off. I am convinced we would be better off under the Gestapo. Avram Grant is a transsexual, a fellow graduate, with ginger quiff Mcclueless of the Tel Aviv personality and toupe reassignment clinic. I have been contracted by the News of the World to write an expose which will hit the press shortly.

Edited by tiij (22/01/2008 18:10)

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